Keeping Jesus Christ the Center & Greatest Desire: In Dating

Dear Christian brother and/or sister,

I write this letter in reflection and with a desire to serve you. Instead of going into any of my thoughts, I would like to share a bibliography of sorts that really fundamentally changed my view of relationships in the context of Christ and shaped the way I led my relationship. Not that I have attained anything great, but because these things have helped me so much, I share this with you. If you go through them, you’ll see what I saw, and I pray that you may see even more through the Holy Spirit.

Paradigm Shift: Re-thinking Dating and Marriage in God’s perspective.

I think at the heart of the matter is the way we view relationships in general. So much of what we think is a hodgepodge of what the media, culture, society, our sinful natures, Christian moral teachings, and personal theology say. To walk on the path that God desires, we must first tackle the issue of our hearts and minds that have engrained particularly specific thoughts and ideas on what God has ordained for His children to partake in as we mature as people.

I’m not sure if you’ve sought out good resources to guide you in shifting your paradigm, aside from the Bible, but I would like to recommend some to you and I’ll explain a little bit about them. If you’ve listened or read some of the resources I’ve listed, just remember the biblical truths and principles that were laid out because that’s what I’ve been influenced by as well. But before you go on to click each one, please read through this entire letter.

First of all, I’d like to share with you the easiest medium of learning, sermons! I think sermons are good initial material to work towards the deeper things of God.

1. “Dating Sermon” by Pastor Paul Washer
To Listen, Click Here, Then Click the Underlined Sermon Title
I place this first on the list because it completely took me out what I had first thought on dating and how I ought to go about developing my relationship.

2. “Staying Married Is Not About Staying in Love” by Dr. John Piper
Part 1, Part 2
I listened to this my Junior year of college and it opened my eyes to the glory of marriage. I literally wept in joy and thanksgiving as Dr. Piper opened my eyes to God’s design. I was single and I think this is a really good introduction to a biblical foundation on marriage. I would also recommend you to seek out Dr. Piper’s other sermons on the topic of singleness, marriage, and manhood but I wanted to keep this list to a core group of sermons, not wanting to overcrowd this section with too many options.

3. “Marriage and Men” by Pastor Mark Driscoll
Watch with Sermon Notes
When this first came out, I knew I wasn’t ready for anything at all. I’ve listened to this one probably more than a handful of times. I think it’s a good reminder of who we as men must strive to be if we are serious not simply about marriage but manhood in general. Pastor Driscoll also has a sermon titled “Marriage and Women” but maybe because I am a guy, it didn’t speak as much to me as this one did.

Second, I would like to recommend some books to help you in your search for wider biblical foundations and practical applications.

1. “Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship” by Pastor Joshua Harris
Purchase
This book is a great resource that I would recommend for everyone who is thinking of as well as even in a relationship. I just started reading this and it’s been very helpful and I wish I had read it sooner. I think this is a good couple’s book to read together and discuss together the things that it talks about.

2. “This Momentary Marriage” by Dr. John Piper
Download the PDF or Purchase
This book is not another sermon series made into a book. It’s a very short book but every word is intentional and purposeful in communicating God’s views on marriage. Not only does it expound on certain themes learned through his sermons, it’s a very richly organized and developed book that I know I will be going back to over and over again.

Finally, I would like to recommend to you to go through a seminar on courtship that will first fortify our biblical foundations and notions and then teach in wisdom, actions and initiatives we should consider as we are in a relationship.

1. Capitol Hill Baptist’s “Friendship, Courtship, & Marriage” Core-Seminars
Browse All Resources
Capitol Hill Baptist Church has a really wonderful seminar series on dating and marriage. I attended the church for two months, during which I was able to attend one of their discussion panels for men. I definitely learned a lot and I think this is a good resource for you to refer to and study together as a couple.
There are 13 parts to this seminar and the seminar manuscripts and handouts were created to be used in a seminar setting and are not created for two people to read through. I think there should be more initiative on the man's part in this regard but that doesn’t mean he needs to always lead the studies. What I would suggest is that couples take turns with each other in reading through the manuscripts and preparing to lead the conversation by use of the handouts and so both are engaged in teaching and learning.
I would also recommend you read some of the articles that are cited on the resource page as they are also of not only interest but also full of great biblical insight and wisdom.

The question is how to keep a relationship centered on God.

I think it’s fairly simple. A lot of it has to do with communication and a lot of it is out of the man’s initiative.

1. The man should lead the woman as he follows Christ. (But don’t hyper-spiritualize things)
Personal growth will sow exponential growth in your relationship. Don’t force God into every picture but invite Him in and if He isn’t focused, consider why He isn’t on the forefront of any given situation.

2. The man must initiate. (Even despite “under qualifications”)
What I mean by this is that a man who isn’t as good at prayer as the woman can still be the initiator by asking the woman to pray. It’s like the Four Spiritual Laws say, God isn’t so concerned with what we say or do or even how we say or do them. God looks at our hearts. Initiate spiritual meditation, discussion and feeding. It will be helpful for you to seek out situations that are suitable to discuss fundamental beliefs and values that both of you carry.

3. Spend most time together in the company of others. (Never alone in a room)
This one is really helpful and important to keep. Don’t isolate yourselves from other people. Make plans involve each other’s churches, friends and if possible, families as well. This doesn’t mean you can’t do things one on one. Going on dates in public spaces like restaurants, movies, sightseeing, etc. are awesome. Just make sure, never alone in a room. It’s not worth trying to rationalize our abilities of self-control. Don’t stoke the fire because the desires are more real than you believe.

4. Have designated accountability and mentors. (Someone Christian and married is best)
This has been my greatest asset as I have been leading my relationship. Biblical council and mentorship from people whom I trust and whom I learned a great deal from. These people will be pivotal to a healthy relationship and many times guide you through the different stages as they have attained wisdom from folly as well as wisdom from others.

5. Be creative. (You need to continue getting to know the other person)
I forgot who once said this but all of marriage should be a constant study of the other person. As you get to know one another more personally, continue to mature in romancing one another. By that I don’t mean sexually. To clarify “romancing,” I mean communicate and lead her in a way that speaks deeply to her specifically. Serve together at a nursing home or orphanage. Fund Christian relief and aid organizations, missionaries, or ministries. Surprise her with acts of love that speak to her personally. “5 Love Languages” is a good way to start. Find out how the other person receives love and how they give love. For example, “Words of Affirmation” could be spoken in songs, or written as encouragement notes, poetry, postal mailed letters, etc.


I pray for godly relationships to spring forth in my generation. I pray for a redeeming of broken relationships. I pray for the healing of broken hearts. I pray for the almighty, victorious, gracious blood of Christ to renew, restore, revive, and awaken true biblical relationships, marital and friendship, amongst His Church. Lord have mercy on us and lead us in your ways everlasting. Be the center, be the focus, receive the glory, you are worthy God!

Christ with us,
Joseph Ryu